Friday, June 9, 2023
Phil opts for animal hides over roses

Phil opts for animal hides over roses

Kisses on the bottom: From Our Phil

If you’re a man or a woman with a ‘significant other’ and you’ve forgotten it’s Valentine’s Day, there’s a good chance you’re feeling chilly after receiving an icy stare and a cold shoulder. But take heart if you didn’t buy the object of your affection a card and flowers or book a restaurant for a romantic meal tonight.
Neither did I!

For a start, I’ve never met the object of your affection. It’s not that I’m unromantic. I just get annoyed that in the run-up to today, florists, restaurants and hotels raise their prices.  I don’t like being ripped-off.

Next week when all the commercially created pink fluffiness has evaporated, hotels will fall over themselves to offer you great deals. You will be able to dine out without being surrounded by love struck couples too busy gazing into each other’s eyes to notice their waiter has been standing next to their table for 20 minutes waiting to collect their plates of uneaten cold spaghetti and hand them an outrageously expensive bill.

There are several theories about the origins of Valentine’s Day. Some believe St Valentine was a man who was devoted to cultivating a garden full of
beautiful flowers which he handed out to lovers making him sound like a cross between a medieval hippy and Alan Titchmarsh.

Another theory is it started with the pagan festival Lupercalia which honoured Juno the Roman Goddess of women and marriage and Pan the Roman God of . . . er, how can I put this delicately? Nookie!

The festival involved men hitting women on the back with animal hides to increase their fertility. As primitive and unpleasant as it sounds, I heard a whisper that it’s still practiced in some remote parts of Wales where family planning is never discussed.

Take a tip from me, lads – As much as we all hate being ripped-off, next year buy a card and a bunch of roses

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